Checkin’ in and Tunin’ up with the Self

So Hi,

I just wanted to say hi and that I miss you, blogging.  I’ve been meaning to write it’s just, well, as soon as one blog-worthy idea or event happens, a new one comes. And then I’m behind. And then I’m not sure where to start. And then I’m telling myself just write anything, dammit! And then it becomes this well, thing. This colossal blockade thing buzzing in my brain. This thing were suddenly I can’t blog. Now it’s been too long. How do I get started again? And now the pressure. The barrier is causing massive build up and something’s going to blow. Unless… I slowly unlock the gate just a bit. A slow stream to refill the canyon of emptiness I’ve felt with no recent blog entries. So that is what this is. My little blog that could. That can. That can help me get over the hump, over the rainbow, through the woods, and back in action, gas on the pedal and full speed ahead.

(Written last Friday…)

Today began as a rather discomfited morning. I was working two part-time positions, and I recently decided to leave one position, as it just wasn’t the “right fit”. Deep down I knew this, but it took a long time to admit it to myself. (And even longer to admit it to my boss.) I could feel this uncomfortable churning, sloshing sensation concentrated in my belly – my body was communicating to me that I had to leave. So I somehow mustered up the courage to turn in my two week’s notice on Monday. She decided that today made the most sense to be my last day, so I arrived at 8am sharp, turned in my key, exchanged best wishes, and walked away.

Although I knew this position just couldn’t and wouldn’t work for me, I had continued to try out of stubbornness on my part but also because I felt so guilty. I really did and do care about the agency, the people there, and the meaningful services they provide. Yet, it just wasn’t for me and the direction I want to go. And I know this. But that messy, sticky guilt feeling couldn’t help but seep in to my mind, sneaking under the door I was trying to close.

So after I walked away, I took a breath, and suddenly a new sensation entered my body. And this one, I was happily shocked to welcome. Pride. I truly felt pride. Like proud. Of myself. Me! Although the guilt wasn’t and isn’t all gone, the feeling of pride inspired me to do some self-reflection as I drove home, which may of course also be because my car radio currently doesn’t work. As I did some deep sea fishin’ into my soul, I caught a big one as I realized that my autopilot-self would have stayed at the position for the sake of the other people who work there. I wouldn’t want to burden them and or have them feel badly about me leaving. But as I’ve been preaching at my other position as a counselor the value of listening to oneself and the importance of self-care, I guess I’ve begun to walk the walk, and not just talk the talk. And I’m proud of myself for that. Although life is largely based on our relationships and connections for support, ultimately I believe that each person is responsible for his or her own life and well-being. I only can truly find my own happiness and I only can truly take care of myself. And I did! I advocated for my own needs and happiness! I did it! I fought my own internal negative thoughts and changed my reality. And not to say that I could have found this courage without the support of my loved ones…but still, I have to give myself a little credit. And that feels nice.

And even though after I left the office my usual “default” would be to crawl into bed with that gooey guilty feeling, I decided to spend the last of my last paycheck from this job, and treat myself to a much needed massage at the fabulous and serene Austin Viva Day Spa. And despite that my mind kept creeping back to the morning as I lay naked on the massage table, I covered myself with gentle, kind thoughts and warmed my heart by redirecting my attention to the peaceful place I was so thankful to have found. And as if the day couldn’t even get better, my amazing boyfriend met me for lunch at this adorable Italian bistro, Cipollina, where we had a deliciously decadent oyster mushroom, butternut squash sandwich, spinach salad, and one the best cheese plates I’ve had around town. By this point in the day, my guilt had pretty much melted away, and the sun in me was shining! Even though the skies outside were gray, I felt really prideful, because I knew I had acted true. Did this day really happen???

So the moral of the story is, yes I am a little bit cash poorer, but I’m internally richer after tuning in, turning off the guilt impulse, and driving happily ever into the direction of bliss. Peace out, as I have a cupcake to devour.

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